Our Dreamed Babies

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I haven’t post anything in a few weeks. I have been very busy and haven’t sit down quietly to put my thoughts together and write something about our journey. But I want to share something that I read. The other day I was reading different blogs and I read something in a man’s blog (a pastor) that really shocked me. This really touched my heart and made me think about how painful and difficult is this journey not just for us women but also for the men.

Here it is-

“Ten words that describe infertility

March 26, 2013 — 213 Comments

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about the hilarious and exasperating journey of parenting small children. But for seven harrowing years of infertility, Mary and I would have given anything to have children, no matter how hard it was.

Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal. 

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.

My blessing for you as you struggle: May God give you what you need, when you need it, over and over and over again.

Taken from: The Actual Pastor

http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/

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God has blessed us with creative minds and I’m so grateful for that.  Lately I have been thinking on other things that we can do to make a profit and save for our treatment.  We are still on board with the pastries business, it has been slow but we had a couple of orders last week. We even got a ten dollars donation from one of our customers. 🙂  But the reality is that we need to save and save and save, yes we need to do it!  And we are working on that. We have always trust Jehovah Jireh and He has never forsake us. He has supplied all our needs and we are trusting him with this one too. The bible says that He owns the silver and the gold and the best thing is that He wants to bless us with what He owns.

Well, I have a new fundraiser idea. A new project to develop in hopes of selling something that will help us make a profit and save for our treatment. I design and create jewelry so I’m planning to make a symbolic bracelet made of semi precious stones with a charm in remembrance of the hope to conceive. My plan is to sell this bracelet to those future mommies that like me, are struggling with infertility and are praying for children. And also to those that have conceive and lost their babies and would like to have a memento, a keepsake in memory of the babies. My intention is not to take advantage of anyone’s pain (just in case) but to create something beautiful that can be a special piece of memory.  After all people buy things like this all the time to remember something or someone special.
I pray and hope that this idea works, that people could see the purpose behind it and support it.

Here is a draft of the charm for the bracelet >>Image

Patience! I need that God!

These days I have been thinking over and over about being patient. As a Christian believer I know that patience is one of the Fruit of the Spirit and is an attribute that we should have in our walk with God. I can honestly say that I agree with Galatians 5:22 but I struggle with being patient. Yes I do. Oh how difficult is to be patient all the time!

In this journey to conceive our dreamed babies is really hard to be patient. I know that my Father God knows that, He knows my character and feelings so He knows that I’m struggling with waiting in Him. I know I’m not the only person or Christian that struggles with this. Most of the time when we pray for something we hope to receive it right away. It is in our human nature to expect things to happen when we want them. And is so hard to be patient!

The more and more I think about this dream of becoming parents, I get impatient. I can’t help it! The reality is that we are getting older so time and age are against us. Plus, this HUGE desire inside of us is so difficult to contain. I pray and ask for the Holy Spirit to help us wait while being patient.

Psalm 40:1 Is one of my favorite verse because it helps me deal with my impatience and it assures me that the Lord hears me. Thank you Father!

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (NIV)

I’m grateful for the godly friends that the Lord had put in our lives. As I have said before, our journey has been a secret, but a handful of our very close friends from church know a little bit about it. One of these friends invited me to have coffee a few weeks ago and we had a great time. I haven’t seen her since that date. This week she sent me a word from God. The word came to me as a surprised and I received it with an open heart thinking that the Lord wants me to live in joy and peace even during this hard time that we are experiencing. I trust Him and wait on Him for our dreamed babies. His word is truly amazing!

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Oh how I need His joy sometimes!

Be strong & courageous!

This is a word for me. I knew it when I read it today!

Since my husband and I started our fundraiser page to ask for donations we have had this feeling of insecurity and have been afraid of sharing it with the world. We only put the link here but we have not told people about it. It took us months to make the decision to open that page and reveal our “secret” to ask for donations. It was a huge step for us and we prayed about it. Before we created the fundraiser we thought about all the couples that had struggle with infertility and like us didn’t have the finances for treatment and sought for help. I have read many successful stories of couples that received great donations and saved for the treatment they needed it. I guess they did not pay attention to the judgment and criticism of others, and admire that.

I would like to be courageous about this and not afraid of sending it to our family members and friend. I need to trust God and make this verse real in this situation that we are living!

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I posted yesterday that my husband and I were about to start our new “business venture” in faith. It was our first time selling my pastries at my in laws restaurant and to our surprised, it went great! God is awesome! I sold all the bags that I prepared and people asked for more. Now I have a new order to prepare because the restaurant’s employees even want to buy more of them.

Baking these “pastelillos” is a lot of work but is all worth the sacrifice for our dreamed babies. 🙂 So help me God.

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